Shabbat Thoughts

This Shabbat was a step backward from last week, observance wise, although I think for a pretty good reason: I got my first COVID-19 vaccination! The first appointment I was able to snag happened to be today, on a Saturday, and while I did have second thoughts about whether I shouldn’t hold out for another slot that wouldn’t mess with my fledgling Shabbat observance, ultimately I decided to take it (because I’ve waited so long, and it’s for the public good, and so on). Perhaps it was the wrong choice, but it’s done now, anyway. I did decide to stick with what I’d done last week (basically, no screens), aside from whatever needed to be done to get the vaccine, though.

When I woke up this morning, I don’t know how much of it was Shabbat and how much of it was knowing I was finally going to be getting the shot, but I felt weirdly hopeful. Maybe even something bordering on joyous. I remember reading something in Abraham Joshua Heschel about how you’re not supposed to worry on Shabbat, and at the time that idea struck me as profoundly beautiful, but also impossible. But this morning, I think I started to see how it could be real. (Maybe last Shabbat morning too, actually). I just felt overcome by this uncharacteristic feeling that maybe everything is going to be okay after all.

Now, you should know that I am a worrier. A highly anxious person, and a glass half empty one. Always have been. Once, when I was 15, I decided I would designate one day, out of the whole year, to be free of worries. When it came down to it, though, I couldn’t even do it! And I was 15! My life is so much worse and less hopeful now. All that to say, for me feeling like I did, however fleetingly, was really something.

As expected, going for my shot harshed my Shabbat mellow somewhat, but afterward I came home and tried as best I could to get back in the zone. I read. I napped. It wasn’t quite the same, but I did the best I could. I had the same feeling as  last week, where the first 20 hours or so were really good and then things gradually deteriorated from there until by the last half hour I was just anxiously watching the clock. I would like to do something about that, but I’m not sure what.

Now, post-Shabbat, and post-vaccination (the fact that I still have to get my second shot in a few weeks not withstanding), I’m feeling a lot of feelings. Like maybe now I’ll finally be able to be free, to wake up from this nightmare (though deep down I know that’s not true, because I am the nightmare; all circumstances have really done is brought that to the forefront). It’s bittersweet, though, because after everything I’m not sure exactly what there is for me to go back to. I can’t pick up where I was before, and I don’t know if I’d even want to.

A few people have told me I should thinking about spending time in Israel, and I wonder if maybe they’re right. (Or possibly they’re just saying that because Israelis, and quasi-Israelis, always think everyone should go spend time in Israel). I think the implication is that I should let loose and party in Tel Aviv, but that’s not my style. What does hold a certain appeal is going to Jerusalem, learning how to lead an observant life and read Tanakh in the original and all that good stuff, even though I know I’m really too old for it. Still, I’m pretty sure I could do my job from there if I found some sort of part-time learning situation, and the thought of picking up and starting over somewhere new, if only temporarily, is alluring.